"Business Trip" is Code Name for "Mommy Vaca"

I had to go to Washington, D.C. this past weekend on a business trip.  The day of my travel - I was cleaning up the kid's toys and totally lost it.  Broke down.  Saaaaaabbbbing.  My emotional break down was so unexpected because up until that moment all I could think about was how wonderful my trip was going to be.  A 3-day vacation from wiping asses, breaking up toddler fights, whining, playing awful games (where I have to think up the story line), cooking, cleaning and the list goes on.

So I took a 9 hour train ride at 2:00 A.M.  Which sounds horrifying, but surprisingly it wasn't.  I slept 3 hours before I got on the train, and slept for 3 hours on the train. 

I worked the minute I got to D.C. until about 4:30PM.  At which time, I decided I absolutely was going to crash if I did not sleep.

But before I could sleep - I had to take a bath!  I haven't soaked in a bath tub in YYEEAARS.  Probably 3 years.  Let me tell you how wonderful it was.  I was in a great, trendy hotel, the bath tub fit my whole body.  I dumped the hotel shampoo bottle and let it get super bubbly.  And then I just soaked.  I read my book and soaked...and soaked some more. Hallelujah I am freakin' reeelllaaaxxed.  It's the little things folks, bathing ALONE with no background screaming.  Bliss, pure bliss.

So with the night still young, 6:45PM - I decided to go out on the town to a nice dinner.  I walked into an upscale seafood/steak restaurant and sat at a table at the bar.  Talk about weird.  I felt weird.  People probably thought I was weird.  The table I was sitting at had 4 chairs.  I felt so akward for like 10 minutes.  Everyone was laughing and talking with their friends on a Friday night.  I was in this corner, ALONE.  I truly felt lonely at that moment.  Like, what am I doing here? 

Finally the tingly little feeling I get when I drink red wine hit me, and I slowly got a little more comfortable in my mommy skin.  I ate slowly, drank slowly and savored it.  I didn't glance down at my phone a million times.  I didn't use my phone as my companion crutch.  I just sat there.  No book.  No menu.  Nothing to read.  It was me.  Just me.  Raw and vulnerable.  And then, within 1 hour, it was all over.  It felt like eternity.  But at the end of dinner, my sister called...and I realized how awesome it was that I just had dinner for an hour, uninterrupted by screaming toddlers.  And it felt kinda nice.  Then I went back to the hotel, read a book and fell asleep.

The next morning was filled with another luxury I never get.  A 2 hour yoga session, without having to worry about child care.  I was put on the VIP list to visit a chic, gym/spa retreat.  It was so fab.  The yoga instructor had me doing hand stands - I haven't done a hand stand since the 5th grade.  It took 2 other women in the class to hoist me up (and keep me up), but I did it.  When class was over, I went to gather my belongings in the locker room.  I was like the white trash guest.  They had organic spray deodarant on the sink counter - I looked around, and sprayed it under my pits.  They had special mint soap and lotions. I used them.  They had nail files, I looked around me and I swiped one.

I worked the rest of the day and night.  The party I helped host that night went well.  I was surrounded by a special group of soldiers and their loved ones.  I met some big public figures, including Senator John McCain and his wife.  And to make the rest of my night - a soldier who grew up near my hometown - asked MEEE to go party with him and the guys. BAHHH!  I about fell out.  A group of young guys wanted ME to go out on the town with THEM.  I was flattered.  It was hilarious, but I was flattered.  I politely declined and told them that I am a semi-boring, washed up mama on a work vacation.  I swear the really drunk one wanted to bang me.

The next morning I set off to see the sights.  I originally scheduled myself for an early train back home - but at the last minute decided - I actually need to go see some things while I'm in D.C.  What am I hurrying back for?  My husband and kids will be okay.  When will I ever have a chance to do this without kids?

So I booked the late train and went sight seeing.  Sight seeing was also a slightly lonely experience.  Like I kinda wish I had someone to talk to during it.  I wanted to tell someone how beautiful I thought the original Star Spangled Banner was, or how seeing the bent steel beams from the World Trade Center almost moved me to tears, or how under-whelming the White House was.  However, benefits of sight seeing alone are: you can skip over all of the boring exhibits and wrap up in time for an afternoon cocktail.

The train ride home was slightly horrifying.  I get on the train and some lady completely invaded my seat with her belongings.  So when I tell her - that's my seat you are camping all over - she grunts, huffs and puffs.  Great.  So I get settled and the woman is literally blasting gospel music from her smartphone.  If that phone was actually smart - it would've shut the fuck up.  I have no beef with God.  I just have beef with people who feel the need to be overly open about their faith and love of God.  They're boasting.  They're not genuine.  Two hours of gospel music.  Has this woman never heard of headphones?  Instead of being my usual hot-headed self, I did not hand this woman my extra head phones - I just sat there and endured.  I thought this woman was going to be the type- that if I ripped her a new ass hole - she would've crucified me.  Eventually, she got tired, and fell asleep with the music off.

I exited the train, and got picked up by some asshole cab driver.  I won't even elaborate - but let's just say - you don't fuck with me at 2:30AM, after a 9 hour train ride sitting next to a CeCe Winans wanna-be. 

My first official day "back to life, back to reality" as the song goes was a shit show.  My older daughter runs into my room at 7:30AM, completely soaking wet with pee.  Her bed is soaked with pee.  My younger daughter screams bloody murder from being woken up by smelly, piss soaked sister.  And it's a school day.  Both kids refuse to get dressed.  I somehow threaten my older one into getting dressed.  I carry the younger one downstairs with nothing but a shirt on.  I plop her in her high chair, bare ass and all.  I fuck up cooking (okay, microwaving) the oatmeal.  And then I give up - and pour Cheerios in a bowl for both.  I throw my hands up, flick off my husband in his office and say welcome home mama. 



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