The Disgusting, Ugly, Filthy, Stinky Truth About Potty Training

If you're a mom that's using Pull Ups.  STOP.  Just STOP right here.  You don't need to read on.  You're obviously scared.  You're obviously putting off the P-O-T-T-Y because you don't want to deal with the disgusting, ugly, filthy, stinky truth about Potty Training. You've heard stories from other moms.  Horrible, epic stories about kids shitting and pissing all over pristine houses.  I'm here to tell you - the stories are all true. (Except for the story about Susie, who was so smart that she was completely potty trained by 19-months old.  That one is bull).

Potty Training will scare the shit out of you (pun intended).  You will be cleaning up bodily fluids for days.  You will smell.  Your kid will smell.  You will go through gallons of bleach, loads of laundry and bottles of vodka.  This is all true.  But, maybe ...just maybe....spelling out the rewards of potty training for you will motivate even the most procrastinatin', Pull Up lovin' mamas out there.

1. Hundreds of dollars will miraculously appear back in your pocket.  Diapers are like what, $25 a box - that gets you about 58 diapers which lasts maybe one week.  That's $100 a month!  Get your hair done mama!  For gawd sakes get a massage!  Spend it on you - you've earned it after the hell you've gone through.

2. No more brown streaks on your hands.  Yeah...the poop streaks that accidentally made it onto the top portion of your hand because you wiped your kids poopy ass, and there was so much poop, that fecal matter rubbed off on the top of your hand. more of that.

3. A child that can independently go to the bathroom.  You will never have to waste 2 minutes of YOUR time changing a diaper.  Hell, you can answer e-mails, take a drink of your coffee, and tweet all while your kid is peeing or taking a shit...IN THE POTTY.

4. You won't have to search for a baby changing table in every grocery store, restaurant or Starbucks again!  Or...for that won't have to change your kid's diaper on the floor of some germ-infested bathroom again (because the facility you are visiting was too cheap to install a damn changing table).

I could go on.

So procrastinatin', Pull Up lovin' mama - have I convinced you to come to the other side?

Before I proceed, pull out the booze.  Whatever your booze of choice is - make sure you have enough for 3 straight days.

Potty Training 101:

1. You will not be going anywhere for 2-3 days.  Nowhere.  And why would you want to?  By the time you're done - you'll look and smell like you've been locked in a Porta Potty for a year.

2. Get a gallon of bleach ready to go (along with rubber gloves, a mop and paper towels).

3. Rip off your child's diaper.

4. Put the potty out in a visible place.  If you haven't at least introduced the potty to your child, you're not ready for this.  It's not time for the potty training boot camp.  Wait until your kid knows what a potty is.  Wait until your child has done either #1 or #2 in the potty a few times.

5. Be prepared for several false alarms.  Your kid will tell you they have to go potty.  Only, really, you'll be sitting next to them while they "go" on the potty reading books every 10 minutes. 

6. Let your child get wet and shitty numerous times. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it. That person is you. No one likes the feeling of being soaked in human waste.  No one. Not even your toddler. Let them feel how disgusting it is to pee and poop all over themselves. (This sounds barbaric, but I swear it works - it's logic!)

7. Bribe your child if you have to.  I said it.  And I don't care.  I bribed my first kid with animal crackers.  Every time she peed or pooped in the potty, she got an animal cracker.  I'm bribing my 2-year old with Graham Crackers.  And the deal is...big sister gets one too if little sister goes on the potty.  (The older child will be on your team if you put something in the deal for them.  They will be your little one's biggest cheerleader). So bribe 'em both I say!

8. Do NOT yell at your child for not making it to the potty.  This will discourage.  Explain to them over and over and over and over (x's 50) again, that they need to go pee and poop IN THE POTTY.

9. Take a swig sister, you're almost there.

How do I know Potty Training 101?  Because I'm here, in stinky, potty training hell right now.

We're potty training, my almost 2-year old girl.  And it's disgusting.  She's kinda getting it.  But not fully.  As in....she took off her diaper the other day after nap time, and proceeded to shit all over her crib.  Wow! Thanks....I guess I should be proud she didn't go in her diaper?

Or...then there was the time she peed in her car seat.  Do you know how hard it is to get the car seat cover off of the car seat?  It truly takes Michelle Obama arms, a degree in engineering and the patience of the Dalai Lama.  Oh and then, when you get the car seat cover off - you have to put it in the washer, and spray down the actual plastic seat with a hose.  Have fun putting it all back together when you're late the next morning for pre-school. (HINT - you will have to repeat this about 20 more times over the next month of potty training).

My favorite is  - she will pee in her little potty, pick up the potty and try dumping her pee in the big toilet.  Only, the pee spills all over the floor on the way to the big potty.

And even better, my older daughter (3-years old) will regress on her skills, and piss her pants at the exact moment that the little one pisses in her pants.  Which is bizarre and annoying.

So if you're even thinking that now is the time to potty train your child.  What are you waiting for?  Do it!  The first opportunity you have to lock yourself in the house for 2-3 days, put it on the calendar and let it rip. Literally.

Screw the potty training sticker charts, the singing potty (that sings Dora songs as the pee hits the sensor in the potty bowl) and screw the book on potty training at that you looked up while reading this blog post.

Go old school.  Go for the stinkiest route, with the longest lasting rewards.

And call me to hang out when your cleaning crew leaves on the third day.  I'll be happy chat it up with you about potty training hell, and I'll even help you drink the rest of your booze stash.  Good luck!

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