What I Will Miss About my Baby

Monday, May 13, 2013

I literally wished away the first year of her life.  All that crying - all those epic poopy diapers.  All those sleepless nights.  All those days I could barely get out of the house.  Then I wished away a few more months.  Then, we hit a sweet spot.  The cutest months of a child's life.  About 17 months - 24 months.

During this small window of time, toddlers learn how to speak the cutest sentences, they walk, they make the best facial expressions, they copy everything and they learn and do something new every day.

It is utter, and complete wonderment.

My "baby" girl will be two-years old in just a month.  And all I wish I could do, is freeze time.  Right now. 

Just keep her at this wonderful stage, of wonderment and pure happiness.

I can't ever get enough of her belly laughs.  I could squeeze and kiss her baby leg rolls forever.  I want to watch her pig tails bounce forever.  I want to listen to her sweet, sing songy voice forever.  I want to feel her pudgy little fingers wrap around my neck forever.  I want to feel her squeeze my legs tight with excitement every day (she squeezes so hard she shakes).  I want her to smile a huge smile, with crooked teeth and scrunched eyes forever.  I want her to tell me, "two more times, " every time we get ready to leave the park and she wants to go down the slide, "two more times, " while holding up her pointer finger and middle finger.  I want her to pull up her shirt and show me her proud belly.  I want her to tell me every night, "Mama, sing baby song."

And I cry.

When daddy chases her around the house and says, "I'M GONNA EAT YOU!"

She yells back, "No EEEAT You MEEEEE!!" all while laughing and running away.

I love how she makes her stuffed animals kiss.

I love how she loooovvess to give kisses.  She usually gives the sloppiest, open mouth kisses - but it's the best kiss ever given.

She truly has baby's breath.  That flower was named after something very real. The child doesn't brush with toothpaste, she doesn't nurse and yet her breath is the sweetest smelling scent.

More tears.

These last few months of my life with both of my girls have been the most wonderful months of my life.  I will truly miss every moment.  Sure, there will be other wonderful, amazing moments in our lives ahead.  But none so beautiful as these.  They will be beautiful in a different way.

This is sad, but I literally don't remember any moments like this during my older daughter's life.  Her life 17 months to 24 months is a blur (exceptions to her first steps at 19 months old and potty training). 

I don't remember it being so sweet.

It's probably because I was so miserable taking care of my little newborn baby, that I couldn't focus on my older daughter's wonderful toddler moments. 

But in a weird way, the moments my younger baby robbed me of with my older daughter, she gave back to me ten fold.

And I sob.

I thought I wouldn't make it as a good mom when I was in the throws of raising two babies at the same time.  One would cry, then the other would cry - and I would have to figure out which one to pick up first. Who do I console first?  And as I tried to hug and pick up both at the same time, I would just hold them on our kitchen floor and cry.  How horrible to have to choose.

For nearly a year, all I did was feed, change diapers and scream "FUUCCCKK!!!" every time I tried to get out the door.  Y'all mothers know what I'm talking about.  Life with a newborn is hard.

Raising two babies at the same time put me in a very dark place for such a long time.  I imagine others cope better than me, but I didn't have the skills.

Now, as the last baby grows into two-dom (I know it's my last cuz hubby is snipped), I feel like I've been given the greatest gifts on earth.

She will be my "baby" forever.

My older baby will be the super verbal one, the head strong one, the fighter.  And I love her for that - she is me.

My younger daughter will be the baby, the lover, the affectionate one, the judicious one.  And I love her for that - she is my husband.

And I cry.

I never got emotional for the first birthdays - I was like yelling, "Hooray!" at the very thought of my child being one-year old raising my glass to it as someone (who knows?) was cutting the cake.

Two is different.  Two means my baby will be a little girl soon.  A little girl that won't want to be cuddled, that won't want to be picked up, that won't want to give kisses, and won't want to hug all of the time.

Instead, we can look forward to endless tea parties, playing princess and fairies, epic shopping sprees and mani-pedi mama/daughter dates.

And on the eve of my baby's birthday, I realized why God gave me both babies back to back. 

Because we all need each other.  Life wouldn't have been complete without my youngest baby.  The three of us have a bond, that only mommies and daughters, and sisters do.

I'm reminded of a book my mother used to read to me and my sister at bedtime. 

It's called Love You Forever.

The mother in the book sings to her sleeping baby ... and keeps signing to her sleeping baby even when he's not a baby anymore.

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.



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