Carpool Ettiquette - A Refresher for the School Year

You're sitting in the car.  You arrived 5 minutes early because you have to bring the little cherubs to a doctor's appointment after school.

You follow the school carpool map instructions to a 'T'.  After all, you're a rule abiding gal.  Especially when it comes to school rules.  Safety first, you think to yourself.

You wind your way through the parking lot, into the designated line on a perfectly sunny day.

You turn the last corner and - BAM. 

Ten other cars are lined up before you.

(5 are minivans and the other 5 are SUVS).

 I mean, how early do these people get here to pick up their little brats?!  Do they have nothing else to do?  Maybe they're here early too - because they gotta skeddadle to the next kiddie crap.

Ugh, whatever.  I'll just grab my newspaper and wait here calmly....

Deep breath....


Look up.

There, staring me in the face - is the front end of some SUV that was not there 5 seconds ago.

Oh hhheeeeellll noooo... Noooo this bitch did nooott just stick the nose of her car right in front of mine - to cut me off!!!!!!!

I've been waiting in line - even arrived early so I wouldn't be rushed and this cunt of a carpool motherfucker just cut me off.

Sound familiar?

I can't tell you how much carpool infuriates me.  I will be in a perfectly happy mood - then carpool happens - and I'm totally fucking pissed.

I mean, I just had 4 zen hours in a row - without children.  And now I have to deal with adults that act like children.

The whole carpool thing - reminds me of church goers at the end of mass.  I'm a cradle Catholic after all, so I know a thing or two about church goers.

Everyone is soooooo nice as they pull into the church parking lot - ready to hear God's word.  They sit politely, sing joyously and are polite to everyone they know in the pews.  Peace be with you.

Except, when these church goers get into the parking lot to leave- they become Godless, Satanic savages.  Rushing off to brunch, or throw the ham in the oven, or get to the local bar to watch the football game.  They edge up to your car impolitely, they cut you off, they forget the 'this side goes, then this side goes' rule - and sometimes they actually beep.  It's a race to get outta there.

Same with carpool.

Below are my do's and don'ts of carpool.

Because next time you cut me off - I'm gonna slit your tires and rip off that stick figure family decal on your car.


1. Cut off a car/person that was clearly in the carpool line way before you decided to roll in.

2. Inch closer and closer and closer up on my car.  It makes me uncomfortable.  And then I get mad.  For the record, I'm crazy, and don't care about cars - therefore, I will let you hit me.

3. Drive in the parking lot in a speed that's faster than 5 miles per hour.

4. Give me the hand gesture that says to me hey lady, can I go in front of you? *points repeatedly* Right here?  Yes, right here. Thank you soooo much. I really needed to get one car in front of you because my life and needs are way more important than yours ta-ta!

5. Park your car so close to my bumper that when I put my car in DRIVE from a PARK position, it rolls back a bit, and hits your front bumper.   That's too close bitch.

6. Talk to a teacher about so and so's art project for ten fucking minutes.  I got places to be - you're holding up the line!

7. Be on your cell phone.  Once the line gets moving - you will be distracted if you're on the phone (answering emails, texting, taking a phone call - whatever).  Get off your fucking phone.  You might accidentally run over a kid.


1. Be courteous.  You know.... if there is a merge - one car goes, then the other car.  Seems simple enough. Now do it.

2. Drive slow.  Why would you fly through any parking lot like a bat outta hell - let alone, a parking lot where there are high numbers of children?  You are an asshole if you go more than 5 miles per hour in a parking lot. Period.

3. Give me some room.

4. Follow directions.  The more people that follow the rules -the smoother the whole system works.  The faster I get my kids.

5. Pay attention. At All Times. Don't make me honk my horn, just so you move up in the line.

6. Remember your behavior.  Everything you do is on display to your kids every single day.  And even though - that sometimes sucks - especially when you're pissed off - try to model courteous behavior in the carpool line.  They're watching.  And truthfully, I don't want you raising a bunch of inconsiderate, asshole kids.  

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