Spring Break Survival Guide - What to do with your kids that doesn't involve playdates with annoying parents.

So you're not hopping out of town for Spring Break with the kids.  No beach vacay?  No national park trip? No Caribbean?

Hopefully, you were smart enough to sign your kids up for spring break camps.  Please, tell me you signed them up for spring break camps.....

Wait, no.  You didn't.  Shit.  Things slip my mind everyday too - like forgetting to eat, pee and brush my teeth.  I totally get it.

Or maybe you're cash strapped?  Solidarity sister. Those fucking camps can get expensive.  $300 for science/tech camp.  $120 for princess dance camp.  $60 for art camp.  That shit adds up.

What do you do when you have no family around to help?  No dollar bills for the beach?  No cash for the kiddie camps?  No babysitter in sight?

You drink.

So first item on your Spring Break Sucks TO DO list is:

- Pick up a handle of vodka (or alcohol of choice).

Phwew! First thing - crossed off.

Now that your preliminary prep work is out of the way - I got you covered for the rest of your "staycation."

Side note - Whoever thought of the word "staycation" is a fucking asshole.  Staying home is NOT a vacation.  It's just a better word for a week long trip down insanity lane.

15 Things to do on Spring break if you're not going anywhere - and you don't want to commit to playdates with parents (and children) that make you feel kinda stabby.

1. Find cardboard boxes.  Buy a few from Lowes for a buck a piece, or ask your local grocery store or Wal-Mart for used boxes.  Kids can do all types of things with boxes.  They can make a lemonade stand,  A little house.  A town for Legos.  A chic beaded handbag. Rrrrrrr what did I just say? Yup, a handbag.  Believe me -    Here's some inspiration for you.  I don't think most of those cardboard box Pinterest projects are actually doable.  But, they're motivating.  You can do your own broke down, D-I- Don't version of them at home.

If you have a baby or toddler - just plop boxes all around the room.  No further action required. Babies love boxes.  AS IS.

2. Borrow FREE passes to local attractions through your local library.  Taking the kids to the zoo these days  - is a straight up bank account buster.  I think I paid $40 last time I took my kids - and that was WITH coupons.  But, check with your local library - they usually have free passes you can borrow to visit local kid museums, nature centers, aquariums, the zoo, etc.

3. Go to the gym!  A lot.  If you have a gym membership that also offers childcare as part of your membership - now's the time to maximize your membership.  Drop the kids off to exercise - or do what I do.  Drop the kids off, and read gossip magazines in the sauna.  Either way, this is 1-2 hours of NO KIDS.

4. Bake cookies or cupcakes from a box - then bring them to someone to cheer them up.  Or eat them.  All of them.  All week.  I love baking from a box with little ones because it's minimal involvement.  There's little mess (okay, relatively little mess) - and you can extend the whole process by decorating the baked masterpieces.  It eats up an hour of your day at least.

5. TVs and tablets.  Screen time, schmeen time.  Have the "experts" who claim screen time is bad for children - ever had to actually entertain children for a week straight?  I think not.

6. McDonald's.  The one with a play area maze-y thingy.  Yes, it's gross food.  I don't even wanna know what's in those mystery meat chicken nuggets.  And yes, that play area is probably caked with germs and fecal matter.  But, you probably never take your kid there.  It's fiiiinnnneeeee for a day.  My mom fed us McDonald's frequently - and we turned out okay.......I think.  Just do me a favor, bathe your kids when you get home alright?

7. Go to the local park.  I guarantee there will be other sad schmucks there too - who didn't plan anything for spring break.  Voila! Instant entertainment for your kids.  And bring a book, magazine or newspaper for yourself.  Catch up on current events.  Catch up on Fifty Shades.  No judgement.  Better yet, bring ear buds too.  Listen to a podcast, or some music.

Are you drinking yet???  You should be.  Oh yes, yes, for my sober sistas - if you don't drink please meditate...or prraaaayyyyyy.

8. Make sandwiches for the homeless.  A lot of churches or homeless shelters welcome sandwiches.  And sandwiches are easy for kids to make.  Form an assembly line in your kitchen.  Ham, turkey, cheese, or peanut butter and jelly.  Don't add condiments - they make the sandwiches mushy.  And most homeless shelters will tell you to hold the mayo and mustard anyways.  If you don't want to go to a homeless shelter - you can simply set up shop in an area of town where a lot of homeless people congregate.  Encourage your kids to talk to the homeless- THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO.  It will be a feel good activity for all.

9. Spring Cleaning - CHECK! Put your kids to work.  Chores.  YES, chores.  Make a list.  Assign names.  Get it done.  Blast some kidz bop music or Justin Beiber - your kids will get it done.  Did you know toddlers are uniquely qualified to clean baseboards?  Yes!  I wouldn't tease a mama.  A toddler's short stature and proximity to the ground - makes them excellent baseboard cleaners.  Also - use this time to discard old toys, broken crayons and puzzles that are missing pieces. (important note - smuggle the broken crayons out of the house like a drug lord.  If caught by a kid, a meltdown could ensue.)

10. Buy a painter's drop cloth from Lowes or Home Depot - give the kids some paint - and let them go at it in the yard.  Let them splatter the paint.  Throw the paint.  Put handprints on the canvas.  WHATEVER.   The freer you let them be, the less hassle for you.  All you have to do is hose them off before they come into the house.  If you don't have a yard - any greenspace will do.  Or do some chalk on sidewalks.  That's right.  Kick it old school with hopscotch.  Or challenge your kids to do a chalk drawing contest.  Or jump rump!  You remember those?  They're like $1 at Wal-Mart.

11. Visit a pet shop.  Instant zoo.  Just don't let your kids talk you into going home with a "zoo" animal.

12. Collect flowers.  Collect bugs.  In old tupperware or jars, or zip lock bags.  Don't forget to poke holes. I don't know what you do with your nature-findings after the collecting part is over- but kids like collecting shit.  That's all I know.

13. Storytime.  There must be one at your local library.  The librarian will also add music (and sometimes crafts!!) for little ones.  It's worth some research if you have little ones.  And there's no rule that says you can't attend every storytime within a 20 mile radius from your home.

14. Don't skimp on "Quiet Time" or naptime.  Everyone needs one hour at least of down time, sleeping time, or "quiet time" during the day.  Make it happen.  Quiet time activities include: coloring, reading, puzzles, etc.  All done QUIETLY.  AND ALONE.

15. Oh fuck, put a mayday call out for one pitiful playdate.  Let's not get too crazy.  I said one lousy playdate.  By, DAY 5 of said Spring Break - a playdate is lookin' reeeeaalllll good.  Even if it's with the mom that judges you and tells you everything you're doing is wrong (who also has kids that are bad behaved, asshole monster, snot bags).  Yeah, call her.  Just don't have her over your house.

Ohhh, and if this list runs out.  Rinse and repeat.  I hope you're drunk now.  Or at least loving your Spring Break, No Break buzz.

What do you do to keep your kids entertained for hours on end?  We're in this together mamas! Share your tips in the comment section.  Or share them on the Missguided Mama Facebook page or TWEET me!

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