Confessions of a Snack Slut Addicted to Cake....and Goldfish



I need to stop eating my kid's birthday cake....you know the extra slices left after everyone's gone home?

I need to stop eating my kids' goldfish.

I gobble up half a bag of goldfish, and immediately my stomach is swimming with regret.

The mom munchies marathon starts, just as it does, EVERY. NIGHT.

I eat too little at dinner – because A) I don’t have time to sit and eat in between my kids’ five-million demands during dinner. B) I’m eating my kids scraps  C) I’m “trying” to lose weight (um, that’d be “baby weight”, although technically my “baby” is almost 4-years old.)

Either way, I’m starving after dinner usually.

My tummy growls through bath time and bedtime stories.

Like clockwork, when I sit down on the couch, the cheesy crackers call me.

It's romantic really, the way Goldfish bait me from the pantry.  Under the seductive soft-lit luminary glow in my living room.  In the thick of sleeping-children silence.

I make my move.  I scurry to the pantry, and open the door.

Those flippin’ fin fuckers were right in front.  In their bright orange bag.  They were puckering their cute, wittle, wips.  Their eyes were wide with hunger.  They wanted to be swimming in my belly, I just knew it.  They demanded me to devour them.

My love affair with goldfish started when I was a kid.  Ya know, when Goldfish, were just cheesy?  They weren’t rainbow colored, fudge and vanilla cupcake flavored, and triple cheese blasted.  I mean seriously, there are fifteen fucking varieties to choose from now.

As the regular, cheddar cheese flavor stared me in the face, I decided on a few handfuls.  Like an addict, just a couple can’t hurt.
I plopped back down on the couch with the bag in hand.
Well, as they say, one thing led to another, and soon, I was eating out the bag, fisting it, and swallowing like a snacky-slut.  I had to wipe the salt off the side of my lips when I finished.

I felt disgusting.  Worthless.  I gave my body to those empty, senseless calories.  And I was sure to get an STD.  Sodium Tuberosity Distention.  AKA – too much salt makes me bloated.

I sleep off the sad, salty, carb induced coma – and wake up with a puffed up pouch.  I decide to only eat fruits and vegetables all day long. 

Only to be starved by sunset.

Again.

I go for the goldfish.  Only a few handfuls.  This night will be different.  Because I want a Flinstone push pop tonight too.

What kid snacks are you addicted to?

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