Red, White and Boo Fucking Hoo! 8 Ways to Keep Your Kids Asleep on the Fourth

Friday, July 3, 2015



You gather up the kiddies for the local Fourth of July show.  Blanket - check, foldable lawn chairs - check, snacks for days - check, games to entertain kids while waiting for fireworks show that will probably, most certainly be delayed like it is EVERY. DAMN. YEAR. - check.  Booze for parents?
Maybe check if you're within walking distance of the show.

The fireworks show finally happens.  Thirty minutes behind schedule - weather issues. (told ya so)
The finale of fucking bonkers booming.........annnnnnndddddd.... BOOM! It's done.

Phwew, glad we waited up for fireworks, they're so magical and original every year.

By 10:30PM the kids are all coming down from their sugar highs - and you're looking forward to their carbilicious, sugar crash before bed.  It will be like wrestling a killer whale to bed - but so worth it once the kids are zonked to Zimbabwe.

You get the kids into bed, everyone was practically snoring on the way home, and you sit down for one last celebratory drink -

BOOM!

Boom BOOM!!

Boom boooooomm boom BOOM!

"Wehhhhh, Weeh, WEEEEEHHHHHH!!!!"

Fuck.

You rush to comfort your kid back to sleep.

The same dramatic cries and screams repeat themselves at 2AM, because your douschebag neighbor decided to set off his explosives in the backyard with his drunk buddies.

Oh, and again at 4AM - because the same neighbor decided to get high with his buddies and completely forgot that he promised you he was done for the night.

Really America and your explosives?  Really?

Here 8 ways to keep your kids asleep on the night of Fourth of July

1.  Build a soundproof room with cozy beds or cribs.  Make sure you hook up a microphone in there, with speakers in your room in case there are any cries unrelated to incessant explosives.

2. Go to another country.  They don't celebrate Fourth of July.

3. Go to another planet.  They don't celebrate shit.

4. Go camping in very remote woods. I mean, you'll have to deal with other fears, like wild animals, ticks and creepy campers - but you won't be sitting bolt upright in bed every 15 minutes from booming sounds.

5. Send the kids to a family member's house for a sleepover.

6. Slip yourself some drugs - Ambien, Xanax, whatever will keep you asleep so you don't hear the booms and the cries of babes.

7. Get each kid some ear plugs - cuz those always stay in tiny ears, and it's totally safe for your kids to not hear the fire alarm that might go off when one of your stupid-ass neighbors sets of fireworks way to close to the house.

8. Put fans in your kids' rooms - ya know, the kind that sound like tornadic, wind tunnels?  Just don't forget to give the kids some extra blankets.

What are you doing this Fourth of July?  How do you keep your little ones asleep during the booms?  Do you just chalk it up to a night of no shut eye?

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