10 Things I Freak Out About Before A Night Out With Childfree Friends

Childfree friends are precious gems. One-of-a-kind. Rare to mothers around the world. They unlock a life that seems so foreign, so exotic.

Um, like my past life. B.B.

Before Babies.

Admittedly, I suffer from a severe form of mommy brain. Which suppresses and obliterates all memories of fun and feelings of fun.  Okay, okay – some memories of this magical world where champagne and free time flow freely still do exist in the depths of my brain. I tend to relive these memories while listening to my 90’s playlist (Ahhh Smoosh it! Smoosh it real good!) and downing gallons of vodka. I tend to get real nostalgic when I drink the cheap stuff- brings me right back to those glory years of … oh wait. If there are any lessons I’ve learned from my glory years – it’s to never, I repeat, never drink the cheap stuff. I lie, I don’t drink the cheap stuff, because I don’t want to feel like death.

So while I sip, and get loosey Goosey (yes, muthas GOOSE) I remember the days spent dancing on bar tops, funneling beer and engaging in serious sexcapades with virtual strangers.

Ahhhh, the life in the lap of liberty. It is indeed lost to me, but not my heart.

*Wipes tears*

It’d be fair to say, that I am in fact slightly jealous of my childfree friends. I’m jealous of their time, of their carefree life and of their hair.  Seriously, all of my childfree friends have impeccable fucking hair.

When I’m not drooling over their recent dye-job, I’m adoring them.

When they ask me to hang out – I’m like CHA-CHING! Mama’s GOT A DATE TONIGHT MUTHA FUCKAS!

You knoooowww the kind. You show up to the ‘mom friend’ date with your hair in a bun, sweat pants, a bottle of wine – and it’s in your living room with screaming kids running all over the place.

I’m usta that. It’s easy.  And lawd knows, I need easy.  Me and the mom friends usually start early and are done by 9.  Because, you know…bedtime is at 9.

But, the childfree friend date! EEEEEeekkk!! I can’t help but to squeal! Oh gaw, it’s so great. It’s grand really. Dinner is at 9 o’clock! Ahem, as in dinner STARTS (not ends) at 9 o’clock honey.

I mean, I’m gonna need to guzzle gallons of coffee in the hours leading up to said, adult, late dinner- but whatever – YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!

This is all very exciting with the childfree friend – but whew, TONS of pressure.

I look at myself in the mirror.

I look like I’ve been hiding away in some baby bunker subsisting on goldfish, listening to Baby Einstein and watching Disney’s Frozen fifty-million friggin’ times. Ugh, ya hurd me muthas? I look like poopy in the potty.

So duh – I go into a major tailspin right before plans with my childfree friends.

Here are the10 things I freeeeeaaak out about, okay obsess over before a night out on the town with childfree friends.

1. My hair is a hot mess.  Like, suddenly, the brassy tones that slightly bothered me yesterday, are paramount now. A hair appointment with my stylist is needed STAT.  Does she even remember me? (Yes, kids are coming to the salon with me, that’s what happens when you book last minute).

2. My manicure is triflin; and chippin’.  What is nail art?  I hear it’s all the rage right now.

3. 1990’s called, they want their shoes back.  Dr. Martens and Mary Janes ain’t gonna cut it for a night out on the town. And most of my heels were bought before my child was born. So yeah, that would make them 6-years old. Well, maybe the Mary Janes could work – I hear they’re making a comeback.

4. Time to get clutch, yo. Gotta ditch the diaper bag for a day – wait, can I fit wipes in a clutch? I’ve grown a bit addicted to them since I had a baby. I have this need to wipe down every surface I come in contact with. Maybe a cool crossbody will work better for me. Baby steps ladies, baby steps.

5. Shave my shenanigans. ALL shenanigans. South, muthas. It’s not like me and my childfree friends go down on each other, or compare vaginas when we hang out. Well, at least not visually compare. Maybe verbally – but whatever. The point is I feel the need to get my punanny in tip top shape before going out with my childree friends. I’m married too – it makes no sense. Ugh, where’s my razor? Has anyone seen mommy’s razor?! Oh, here it is – found it! Oh look, it’s dull because soooommeeeonnnee used it for man-scaping. Awesome.

6. Must find funny anecdote about my life that doesn’t involve children. Wait. Is there one? I have no epic happy hours to speak of.  Or wild nights out to brag about.  Just tales of tit-sucking monsters, chaffed nipples and blow-out diapers. I’ll just shut up now.

7. SUV. Total mom car. If I roll up to valet with that – it will totally give me away.  It could be worse – I could have a minivan.  Ugh. I hate myself.  Opting for Uber.  At least no one will know what I drive, and I can get drunk as a skunk to drown out my very mommified life.

8. FUPA.  It’s doughy, squishy and hopeless.  I developed an enlarged fupa directly after childbirth. Fupas bulge out from my tight-fitting shirts and scream, “Hi, we gotta mom ova hea!” Must order Spanx.

9. Bladder.  As in, it ain’t gonna hold.  I’ve birthed two babies.  The first laugh after a few drinks – and she’s gonna blow! Scratch the Spanx.  I’d probably piss myself before peeling that damn thing off anyway. Seriously, have you ever had to peel yourself out of Spanx while your bladder is on the verge of blowing up? No bueno.

10. Drowsy eyes. By midnight, I make like Cinderella’s souped up pumpkin. I turn into pumpkin road kill.  As much as I struggle to keep my eyes open past 9PM– they will inevitably droop. Better pack a yellow jacket pill and a shot of B12 to make it through the night. Wait, will those fit in my new clutch?

Cheers to a night out on the town muthas!

This article originally appeared on Dirty and Thirty.

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