Moms, Stop Being Late

Sweat is pouring down my bra, forming a steamy puddle.  The deodorant I just put on…. Wait….did I put deodorant on??  Either way, it’s not working if I did remember to swipe the stick on my stubbly pits.  My hair was straight five minutes ago, but now it’s frizzy and in a ponytail.  AGAIN.
This isn’t a work out.

It’s me getting my baby out of the house.  ON TIME.

I carry the car seat, with baby in it – to the door.  My 18-month old (who isn’t walking yet) – says she has to go potty.  I roll my eyes, huff and puff and shuffle her to the bathroom.  She is potty training after all – it wouldn’t be fair for me to say to her  -  pee in your gawd damn diaper, we’re gonna be late!

She pees.

The baby is getting fussy.

Fuck, did I pack that weird crinkly, colorful cloth chewy toy she likes?

Oh well.

“Alright, out we go!”

Bbbbbrrrppppppp  BBBBBbbbbbbbbpppppppp.

Ohhhh heeeellll NOOOooooo.

Yup – blowout city.
I throw my hands up and curse everything holy.

For real? Is this for real my life?

I briefly consider leaving my baby completely and utterly covered in her own baby shit.
Ugh. No.

“Everybody back to the bedroom!”

I change my newborn’s diaper and change her clothes.
Back in the car seat she goes.
Now, let’s really go to that doctor’s appointment.
We arrive. On time.

I can’t say that I arrived everywhere on time in the early days of motherhood.  But, I never stopped having respect for other people’s times and schedules.  I made every single effort to arrive on time.  And I mostly, did arrive on time.

Sometimes I had to build in an extra 30 minutes into my perceived prep time (meaning missing 30 extra minutes of precious sleep time.)  I sometimes had to skip blow drying my hair.  I sometimes had to skip a meal. 

Kids don’t equal an automatic excuse. 
Let me repeat, your kids are NOT an automatic excuse to be late.

It’s not fair to be late just because you have a kid.  It’s not fair to be double late – because you have two kids.  Because….nothing.  It’s not okay to be late or tardy to any party.  It’s tacky.  It’s rude.  It’s selfish and inconsiderate. 

Furthermore, you ‘missin’ the boat mamas’ - blaming your piss-poor punctuality on a baby or kids just adds insult to injury.  The only person to blame – is you.  Own it.

I can condone a little lateness here and there.  Occasional eleventh-hour arrivals are acceptable.  Sometimes shit happens that you truly have no control over.  Unexpected obstacles do happen.  But they don’t happen, every damn time we have plans.

Being late, is not better than never.  You can take your lateness – and please never ask me to hang out.

I know being a mom is hard. Duh. I know getting out of the door can feel like an Olympic Sport. Duh.  Just stop being a delaying dick.  Your lateness makes my life a whole lot harder.  I now have to stand on my head and juggle pineapples for my kids while you’re “busy” being late.

Perpetual lateness is a direct result of perpetual poor planning.  Let’s be real – most punctuality problems – are indeed, preventable.

Maybe if you did the following – you would stop being late. 

1.       Have some empathy – cuz it’s not all about you.  It’s proven that narcissistic people are habitually late.

2.       Get a reliable watch- and think about setting it five or 50 minutes fast.  Or like, 2 hours fast.  Oh, fuck it, fast forward a day.

3.       Don’t try to fit ‘one more thing’ in before you leave to meet me.  Regardless of what you think – or what you’ve convinced yourself to think – you don’t have the time.  It ain’t gonna happen – you’re going to be late.

So next time a mom is 30 minutes late to meet me out for lunch with the kids – I’m leaving.  I don’t have an appetite for your late, lame lines.  And I damn sure, don’t have the time.  

Fess up time!! Are you always a late mama? Do you think I'm an OCD, rude fuggen' bitch who needs to remove the stick from my ass? Is being ON TIME too much to ask?!

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