10 Holiday-isms That You Will Hella Relate To if You're Headed Home

Every year as I make my annual Christmas trip up North to see my folks - it follows a similar theme and course. 

Honey-moon phase when me and the kids first arrive. To middle-ish phase of crunch time (Christmas party preps), to relaxation followed by.....it's time to get the fuck on people! 

Glad to have you, glad to see you go. Glad to come, glad to go.

If you take annual trips to see your family over the holidays, here are 10 holiday-isms you will hella relate to.

1. Where are my kids? Anyone see my kids? Seriously, who's got the kids? I say this at least once a day. Sometimes more if it's a holiday party or get together. Usually after an alcoholic beverage or two.

2. You want a cut-out, sugar cookie that my kids made? It is sprinkled with the flu, croup and pink eye. Enjoy! Don't do it. You've been warned.

3. How was anyone allowed to parent before 1999? Mom and Dad, you left me alone in the house while you partied with your friends on the block?!
I was like, 4. The trauma shows in my parenting style. How did anyone let you parent? The best (most horrifying) family stories come out during the holidays.

PS- anyone that was a parent before 1999, should probably not give me unsolicited parenting advice.

4. Mom, I need to wrap my presents at your house. Do you have extra wrapping paper and tape? I seriously, never wrap presents before I get to my mom's house. Every. Single. Year. I wait until the last possible minute.

5. I need to run to the liquor store (at least once a day). I mean, a given.

6. Stop calling and texting me asking what you can get my kids for Christmas. We're 4 days out - everything that was on their list is taken. I already gave away every single idea I had. We're 4 days away from Christmas. I'm gonna need you to use your imagination or SEND MONEY. I got nothin'. I can't send these kids to college on my own dime honey.

7. What am I gonna do with my kids to keep them busy for a whole week?

8. How am I gonna explain that Santa, his reindeer and the elves know that we've re-located for Christmas? I smuggled gifts into my car like a drug lord. I covered them with copious amounts of blankets. I plan on un-packing the presents when the kids are sleeping. And in a few years all of these lies and bullshit sneaky, drug dealer behavior will be for nothing.

9. Sister, (and hair stylist) everyone in my family needs a hair cut. For free. (So typical sister-of-a hair-stylist to say this;) Bring scissors. And hair color. And those black pants I wore last year because I plan on keeping them. Forever. 

PS- Vodka is in the freezer. Let's get drunk and reminisce about old times. Then cry. Drink more. And eat all of the food in mom's kitchen.

10. Husband, I know my family is insane. So is yours. Both in different ways. We're a united front. Don't let my family tear us apart. Let's keep the bond strong this week.    

Oh fuck it, we're screwed. DRINK.

10. Kids - do whatever the hell you want. You're the whole family's responsibility for a week. They say it takes a village, right? Well, we're in that village right now.

Anyone have holiday-isms to share?

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