WANTED: Mom Friends With Benefits (FwB)

Holler at me mamas (me making kiss faces while vodka drunk on my 31st birthday).
If I did Tinder - this would totally be my profile pic. PS- a corset does that to your boobs.

I’m a mom, looking to be Friends with Benefits.

I’m not looking for anything serious.

I need a stress-free, no-strings-attached kinda relationship.

No hard feelings.

No obligations.

And definitely, NO sleeping over.

I don’t need you on a deep level. And I’m not trying to get attached.

I mean, let’s not pretend that I’m going to take you home to meet my parents.

When we hang out, I just want to have fun. To feel good.

I’m lookin’ to be FwB.  You know, FwB?

But while I may be whoring myself out a bit, I still have self-worth. This girl’s got standards.

Here’s what I’m looking for in someone that wants to be Friends with Benefits:

1) A zoo membership with a guest pass, so one of my kids can get in free.

2) A babysitter call list as long as a full-length novel. (If no babysitter call list, skip to item #3.)

3) An older child. One that is at least twelve years old. Or, mayyybbeee a very mature eleven-year-old.

4) Kids that aren’t little assholes. Alright, alright, ALL kids are little assholes. But, I’d prefer the less a-holey kind.

5) High-end hand-me-downs from your boutique shopping excursions.

6) A booze stash.

7) No shame in drinking booze in front of small children.

8) No shame. Period.

9) Manners. I’m looking for someone that offers to help clean up after a playdate or dinner party at my house.

10) A sane significant other. He/she can be weird—like, maybe they do impressions from The Simpsons when they're drunk—that’s fine. But they can’t be CRAZY. And your other half has to get along for my other half if this whole FWB thing is going to work.

11) Booger radar. If your kid’s nose is gooey, green, and running with snot—I’m gonna need you to be on top of that.

12) Gangster rap. If you don’t have Biggie or Tupac on your playlist, this . . . just ain’t gonna work.

13) A playground in your backyard.

14) A pool. Kiddie pool is fine.

15) It’s preferable if your kid is potty-trained. Or still in diapers. Not in between. Ya feel me? 
No peeps on the potty-training journey.

16) The 411 on all the best, local pediatricians, schools, after-school care programs, dance academies, and soccer leagues.

17) The inside hook-up to get my kids into said best, local pediatricians, schools, after-school care programs, dance academies, and soccer leagues.

18) Live less than five to ten minutes away, so I can call you if I’m in a bind.

19) But don’t ever call me in a bind.

20) My ideal FwB is currently not pregnant, and not planning to be pregnant in the future.

So, screw romance. Let’s keep it real casual. For us, and for the sake of the kids. PM, or DM, or text, or whatever people do nowadays to hook up, if interested.

A version of this article was originally published by the fabulous ladies at In The Powder Room.

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