F*CK You Fresh Food Movement, You're Killin' Me Yo

Me, giving the finger to anyone that says my grocery-store bought cake with
 chemically-infused frosting is bad.
AND to those turning the nose up at me drinking toxic, cheap champagne.

I prop myself up on four comfy pillows and settle in with a book.

I cup my steaming, orange-passion flower-whatever-herbal-tea that’s supposed to get-rid-of-antioxidants-or-induce-sleep….I can’t remember which one.

Big cleansing breath in, and whhhhoooooooooooo OOOOooooouuuuuttttttttttttt

Side note- I should’ve totally drank that tea that makes you remember shit — because maybe then I’d remember what the orange-passion-flower-whatever tea does.

I vow to stay up late tonight (until 10:30PM). I need to be in my own head for at least an hour. I need one wakeful hour that is utterly devoid of kids.This is parent nirvana.


Then BAM! Like a bolt of lightning through my brain, my DIY yoga-namaste moment is abruptly interrupted by an alarming thought. I sit bolt upright in bed.

I forgot to FUCKING peel and cut the carrots for the kids’ lunches. AGAIN!

Motherfucker. Fuck you fucking carrots. Fuck you and your fresh food. Motherfucker.'

I knew I shoulda drank that memory-enhancing ginger-ginko-biloba-B12-whatever tea.

For a brief, insane moment I consider lugging my tired ass downstairs and chopping those stupid carrots.

Then, I come to my senses, and say SCREW IT. How important is Vitamin A really? I had like none growing up (unless Cinnamon Toast Crunch was fortified with it) and I turned out okay. I’ll just have to go heavy on the raisins tomorrow in their lunches. AGAIN.

For the fourth night in a row, I forgot to prep those damn carrots. (Clearly, my memory-enhancing teas, supplements or magic herbs don’t work or I’m not drinking enough of them).

For fucks sake, do our kids have to eat healthy……every damn day? Ugh. I know that’s the goal right? I do. I get it. Healthy bodies, healthy minds bla bla bla and all that organic juicy jazz. But for real, I think the fresh food movement is killing me. It’s exhausting. It’s making me insane. I know it’s supposed to make me and my kids live longer. But I almost had a heart-attack over carrots not being peeled and chopped. I hate to be a dick about fresh food, but I’m pretty sure it’s making me die.
The fresh food, locally-sourced, organic, non-GMO movement is indeed killin’ a bitch. This bitch. It sounds like an oxymoron, but it’s true.

I’ll admit, I generally like to eat healthy. I guzzle cold-pressed juices from Whole Foods (they’re the only juices I deem edible). That’s to say, I don’t have to plug my nose as I drink them. I whip up kale smoothies from time to time with almond milk (heavy on the organic peanut butter to drown out the taste of kale). And I’ll nosh on some carrots and hummus in the afternoons. I even drink green tea from time-to-time. TEA!!! Totally bonkers for this coffee lover (read: addict).

But, I’m like a wellness-wannabe. A produce poser. The only reason I eat like a vegan-yogi is because in some warped way I think it will negate all of my vices. Like somehow eating like a health freak 80% of the time, will cancel out all of the harmful things I do to my body 20% of the time.

"I pounded too much vodka last night — better load up on fresh, organic blueberries today to cancel it out." "I chain-smoked menthol cigarettes while pounding copious vodka-sodas last night — better add a beet juice for good measure today." "I ate a McDonald’s hamburgerbetter…." wait, there’s no remedy for that. Oh yes, yes there is. Mega-dose on magnesium supplements and hope to friggin’ GAWD that you shit your brains (and the burger) out.

I even have organic vices. Like fair-trade chocolate and organic wine. I’ve been known to down gallons of organic RED, yes RED wine (ya know I had to make the distinction there). I don’t know what difference it makes, because I get drunk and hungover all the same. Who knows, maybe organic wine IS better for me? Like seriously, that’s not rhetorical. Who knows that shit? Anyone? Message me your theories and internet links.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of filling my kids’ bodies with healthy foods. I really want to pat myself on the back for not making them survive off of processed, pesticide-filled, packaged foods like I did as a kid. I like to sit perched high on my non-processed food ass sometimes. Like when my kids aren’t eating sugary cereals for breakfast. Or when I whip out wheat bread. I smile to myself and think I AM TOTALLY WINNING.

I pride myself on not buying pre-washed, bagged “baby carrots” cuz like, are those things even real? I don’t know — the healthy food jury is still out on the verdict of the realness or fakeness of baby carrots. In the meantime, I will buy the fully-formed, dirt-crusted carrots and spend my nights scrubbing them, peeling them and chopping those suckers for my kids’ school lunches like an idiot. Or better yet, I’ll spend the time I was supposed to use for relaxing before bed, to think about what a terrible mother I am for NOT remembering to peel the dang carrots.

My fresh food frustrations don’t just center around the prep work. Let’s talk about the number of times I visit a market or grocery store in a given week. Suburban moms, you think you got Target problems? HA! I’m a regular at the local healthy market and it sucks because they DON’T have pretty throw pillows to distract my misery (and it’s cold and smells like barfy vitamins in there).
Committing yourself and your family to fresh produce means everyone at your local grocery store — knows your name. And it damn sure doesn’t feel like an episode of Cheers. (Except for Whole Foods, because they totally serve beer to shoppers, I would know).

When you’re on the healthy food movement for your family, it feels like you’re trapped on a ferris wheel or merry-go-round of fucking freshness. MAKE IT STOP. I’m gonna throw up.

To be properly prepared for the week ahead you have to stock up on produce that exhibit varying degrees of ripeness. And when the most ripe produce items are consumed mid-week, it’s time to go back to the grocery store and buy the more green, less-ripe produce in order to keep the fresh cycle going. And by doing so, you’re delivering optimum nutritional value to your kids.

I’d say on average — I am at the grocery store every two days. Because….bananas. Did you know the nutritional profile of bananas changes as it goes from green to ripe? A banana (as the theory goes), is most nutritionally beneficial when it’s ripe, or kinda brown.

Which basically means me and my kids are FUCKED in the banana department because we fawncy our fresh bananas when they’re kinda green. Like if you put a banana that has even one small, teeny weeny brown spot on it — my four-year old goes ape shit and will refuse to eat it. Awesome. Ra-ra fresh food movement!

Listen, I know everything in moderation. We all have to be balanced. Bla bla bla. I get it. But have you mastered this thing called balance? Has anyone? Doesn’t it ebb and flow depending on the kind of week you’re having? So spare me your sancti-comments about you need to find more balance, everything in moderation. Just hand me whatever herb you’re smoking, and we’ll get on with our lives and everything will be swell. A simple request though — if you could make sure that is grade A, organic herb with a twist of biologically, hydroponically engineered memory-enhancing qualities– I’d really appreciate it. I just have to remember to peel those damn carrots.

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