All I Want For Mother's Day Is For Mother's Day to Go Away

Mother's Day is fucking stupid.

I don't want flowers that will die. I don't want a gadget, trinket or any other useless chachki. I don't want a surprise expensive gift that I've never expressed a desire for.

I don't want to fake a smile about any of these things either.

I don't want brunch surrounded by people I don't know. And actually, if I can be totally real here, I don't want a celebration for me and all my motherness glory to be spent surrounded by people I DO know either. (Unless it is a brunch of utter debauchery and 90's jams on a jukebox that's heavy on the champs, and involves a taxi home). That's the only brunch I wanna go to, ya hear me muthas?

Mother's Day is like a friggin' slap in the face. It's the perversion of honor. It's the opposite of glory. It devalues everything that a mother is, and does and ever will be.

I just want to be honored and recognized every single freakin' day like I'm supposed to be. Like a regular human being. Not some second class citizen that people look pitifully on.

Let's start with the real gift that we should be inherently entitled to for raising responsible and awesome citizens of the world. I'd say some type of monetary compensation is in order. A salary for all of the duties I do in my second and third shifts at home would be nice. Some type of stipend for teaching and molding the next generation of model citizens. That's a pretty damn important task. I'd call it a job - but a job means I'd actually get paid for these things. Calling motherhood a "job" would have one assume that I get sick days, and benefits. I don't get any of these in my "job" as a mother.

Praising mothers and telling them they have "the most important job in the world" is all lip service. If we put monetary value behind the hardest job in the world - it would actually be a job.

If you're curious to see what your actual salary would look like - just head to - they'll tell you what your worth is if you claimed pay for your duties. Yeah - six friggin' figures.

If we must recognize this made-up holiday, can we give moms what they really want? Time alone. I'm not even talking about sending mom to the spa. I'm talking about - like someone, dad, auntie, bestie anyone just take the damn kids and give a mom some space. FOR SEVERAL HOURS, WITHOUT CALLING OR TEXTING, kind of SPACE.

Moms want peace and quiet. Especially the stay-at-home mamas.

Working moms may want silence and relaxation, but they also might really want to be around their kids as much as possible because they feel like they're missing out while at work. I get it. I've been both stay-at-home mom, work-at-home mom and working mom. All of the above.

For the working mom who works outside of the home -like, let's just make shit easy for her for at least a day. Make her life simple. Like, sure, I get if she wants to spend time with her kids. I mean if someone gives ME a free pass - I run for the hills. But, do you boo.

For the workin' mama that wants to hang out with her kids - just someone for gawd sakes make it easy for her. Don't let her be the one arranging all the crafts for the kids. Don't let her be the one having to the mundane stuff - like getting their food or feeding it to them. Or give the mom a break from pushing her kid on the swing maybe. Clean her house. Water her plants. Fill up the gas tank. Get her car detailed. Truthfully, we should be thinking of doing these things on a regular basis for all moms - because damn, we need some breaks y'all. We need some consistent help. Modern motherhood is demanding as hell no matter if you work outside of the home or not.

Mother's Day is also stupid because the men in our lives tend to fuck it all up. They do stupid shit. Like they might try to arrange a surprise day doing something you do NOT want to do - like going to a great restaurant to honor HIS mother. Awesome.

Or they get you some expensive gift that you know y'all can't really afford.

Or men do nothing, absolutely nothing, and you have all this hope and hype, or at least a little hope or hype, that the man in your life will do something...anything....and then they do nothing and you're like FUCK YOU.

I'd rather not have this build up to some superficial holiday. Or the let down.

So can we be done with Mother's Day? Can this country find a way to value and honor mothers more often? More consistently? More genuinely. Because for real, we're treated like shit in this country. Hell, we pick up the shit of these future royal creatures. And dressing that shit up in a cute bow or in a brunch at IHOP is just adding insult to injury.

So for Mother's Day - just leave me the fuck alone and stop acting like this holiday actually means something when I, and my fellow muthas are disrespected every day. Unless you come bearing babysitting services or 4-years worth of back pay - HOLLA AT ME NEVER.

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