Drive Like Your Kids Live Here

I never really understood the need for speed. Okay maybe a speedy thrill on an open highway, or a country road or a racetrack with the wind blowing through your hair.

My dad was (probably still is) a machine head. I know all about speed because he'd take me on Corvette and motorcyle joyrides and freak my mother the fuck out when I was a kid.

I get it.

But, a two-street, suburban neighborhood? Really, dude in the psuedo sports car, THAT's what you get off on? Or you, brah, drivin' an SUV, you get your rocks off putting pedal to the metal for 5 seconds before pulling into your driveway?

WOW. Imma need you to re-evaluate.

(And PS - it's almost always a MAN that's speeding through my neighborhood like an asshole).

If everyone drove like a kid they loved - whether it was their own kid, or their niece, nephew, godson, goddaughter, young sister or brother, student, whatever - if everyone drove like a beloved child was hangin' out on a neighborhood street - would we still have douschebag speeders? I mean, I hope not. Otherwise, I have zero hope in humanity.
Wait, I already do have zero hope. I'm not like totally nihilistic. But, I'm almost there.

Anyway - who in their right mind would speed, and take the chance of causing bodily harm or death, if they knew a child they loved could pop out any moment on their big wheel? Or on their Schwinn bike with training wheels and a rainbow basket? Or their scooter?

Would they still feel like a big man with a motor if they crushed a kid to fucking death?

Is it THAT difficult for people with an obsession for speed, to restrain themselves in a residential neighborhood? Like, I really hate to break it to you - but the Kyle Busch's, Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s, Jeff Gordon's aren't racing around a neighborhood y'all. They're doing it on a professional track. With cameras. And a pit crew. And sponsors. And oodles of money. Something that will NEVER happen for ya brah.

We've had problems with speed demons in my suburban neighborhood for quite some time. I've complained to my HOA about it. I've asked that we try signage or speed bumps (I know people hate speed bumps - I do, I get it). My HOA is defunct and inept like every other HOA in the useless world. So yeah - no action Jackson ova hea.

But, I literally don't let my 4 and 6-year old kids ride their bikes in front of our house for fear of a driver barreling down our block. I, myself, have been almost mowed down near our mailbox by a douschebag in a Gold Mazda who thought he was a really cool guy speeding through Mister Roger's neighborhood. He blew through the front entrance stop sign, and proceeded to gas it to his house....10 houses down from where I was standing.

I yelled at him to "SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!!" (exact words), as he was speeding by, but I'm sure he couldn't hear me.

I then proceeded to call him out on our neighborhood app. That was me being nice.
Not anymore.

I'm not saying the whole world, of childfree people need to bow down to parents and their leeeetttllleee cheeeelldreeen. Pah-lease. Never. But, have respect for children. Any children and their motherfucking lives. Have respect for people. An elderly person walking through my neighborhood could be just as vulnerable as a young kid.

Why are speedy fuckfaces so incapable of seeing how their stupid, selfish and immature behaviors put everyone else at risk?

What's my solution? First, I will shame da fuck outta ya. I will follow you to your house if possible. Wait for you to go inside, then proceed to write down your address, car description and license plate. I will report it on a neighborhood app (seeing as that's the fastest way to shame you). Then I'll report you to HOA to have you fined. HOA's love to slap a good fine on ya - they always need the money. So an HOA will be VERY motivated to fine muthafuckas for just about anything. And lastly, I'll call the police for your reckless driving.


You can do that. If anyone else is dealing with speedy drivers in their neighborhood, they can always call police and report the reckless driver.

Wait- no lastly, Imma crazy bitch. Y'all know that. Confession - I'll cut your tires. I will. I got no shame in mah game.

I'm fine if speed is your thing. If you feel hot when you rev up your engine. Do yo thang. But do it somewhere that's safe. And somewhere that doesn't make you look like total loser toolbag. And PS - if you're not using blinkers - you're also a toolbag - but a less tooly variety.



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