Can We F*cking NOT With The Summer Playdates?

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Summer has started for some of us poor souls, and it's about to start for the rest of you suckas real soon.

And boy, I gotta say, parents, y'all move with the quickness making plans! So far, I've been asked the almighty summer question FOUR TIMES in the last 24 hours. You know the one.

CAN WE GET THE KIDS TOGETHER OVER THE SUMMER??

Nah, I'm good. I mean, for real, I said 'yes' to some. But the rest, nah brah. Let's not.



I hate playdates. I will take my kids utterly bored and bouncing off the walls, rather than agree to a playdate.

Forced kiddie merriment with another parent or other peoples’ kids is torture for me. Can’t we all just leave our kids with a babysitter and go out for a drink instead?

That’s what a playdate is after all. It’s free babysitting for the host. Whatever parent is hosting the playdate is doing FREE labor, by babysitting other people’s children. All in the name of a playdate. And please don’t trust the parent that says – if you host this time, I’ll get next time. It ain’t gonna happen, boo. Sorry to tell ya.
And even if it does, do you really want it to?

We all like our own children better than someone else’s children. It’s the universal parenting truth that no one wants to admit out loud.

Regardless of how much I’d rather act like playdates don’t exist- EVER, even in the throws of summer, I cave sometimes. For one, out of guilt.

And two, because some smarty pants with a fancy degree said kids need socialization with other little fuckers. And as horrifying as that thought is to me (I’m a huge introvert) – I fold to science. So I’ve made playdate plans, and executed quite a few THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

But, I’ve bailed on some too. I swear, this doesn’t make me a bad person.
I was totally feelin’ the playdate last week – when I was filled with energy and hope, but this week, not so much. And that’s okay. It’s totally friggin’ okay! I can change my mind.
And it’s okay to not want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We all want to save face sometimes. Even blunt-in-yo-face-me.

Here are Six Excuses to Get Out of Playdates (Confession – I’ve used four on the list). You’re welcome to steal these.

1. My kids are sick. Duh. I hope everyone has used this one. It’s like the most commonly used excuse to get out of everything in life. I’ve never said my kids were horribly ill. Cuz that’s wrong. But, fibbing about a little sickness is only mildly wrong. Cough, sniffles, ear pain – whatever. I don’t want my kids to get yours sick….

Note- Don’t say YOU’RE the one who’s sick. Everyone knows moms can still do everything and anything while sick. That lie will get you nowhere.

2. Car Troubles. Another ubiquitous one. My mini-van is melting down like a toddler in Target, can we re-schedule? I don’t actually have a mini-van. But, if I did, that’d totally be my line because, alliteration.

The ‘ol flat tire excuse is overused, so be careful with that one. Might I suggest something vague like, somethings up with my car – I gotta take it into the shop ASAP.

3.Pet Problems. Confession: I don’t have pets, so I’ve never used this excuse. But I’ve heard pet owners blame their pets to excuse their lateness and absence at events, so I know they work. They’ve probably fooled me a bunch of times. Seriously, no hard feelings pet owners.

Pet owners searching for the perfect playdate-bail excuse, you’ve got it MADE. Paws down. There are a plethora of pretend pet problems to choose from. Unexpected shit storms all over the house, to a suddenly sick pooch, to Fido took off running out the front door and we can’t catch him….I mean wow, I’m kinda jealous at how effortlessly it will be to lie about your pretend pet problems.

4. Work Deadline. Working mamas have the delight of using this one (present company included). I’ve blamed a fictitious boss in cases of playdate bail outs. While it’s true that I do indeed work. I work for myself. So that boss – is moi. This is where #sorrynotsorry is appropriate.

5. Plumbing problems. It doesn’t matter if you say your shitter is spewing fecal matter all over your living room or if you say you’re waiting on the plumber to check out a possible issue. EITHER WAY, people tend to stay the hell away from toilet troubles. It is understood that anyone with plumbing problems is either held hostage by an appointment with a plumber that is scheduled to arrive between 7AM and 9PM (gotta love those long appointment windows).

Or, it’s understood that the residents of the home with said toilet troubles could have a disgusting mess on their hands at any moment. Can you say playdate repeller?

6. Schedule snafu. We parents are all so harried, so bananas, soooooo bat-shit crazy busy. It’s the nature of modern parenthood. So, it’s not totally out of the realm of possibility for you to accidentally double book activities. Your Google calendar is dingin’ around the clock (honestly, it’s only thing that keeps my life in check). And sometimes you forget to set the alert. Or you don’t hear it go off at all. I just gave you two lines you can use in a cancel-playdate-text. You’re welcome.

Don’t believe that crap about bad karma. It’s a social construct. If you lie about your kids being sick, they will not get sick because you lied about it. They’ll get sick because of germs. Not because you lied.

You can’t possibly accumulate bad karma for getting out of playdates. It’s so benign. There are way worse things you could lie about….like cheating on your spouse. That shit will bring bad juju.

Next time you want to get out of hosting a playdate because you don’t feel like it anymore, just bail.

Next time your kid informs you in the eleventh hour that Susie is a real bratty bitch and she hates going over her house – just CANCEL. It’s not that bad. It’s fine. As long as you don’t make a habit out of cancelling plans with the same playdate people on the regular, you’re totally still a good person and a good parent. And not for nothing, I’m sure someone’s done it to you.

PS- there are good friends of mine that I have NOT lied to when cancelling a playdate. We get each other. Fake niceties and normal rules of politeness aren’t necessary among us. I'm giving you the "knowing eyes" right now. You know who you are – I hope.

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