Actually Childfree People, Moms ARE Busier Than You

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Women are claiming and owning their childfree status. They’re taking a stand and telling the world that they don’t want kids or can’t have kids. BRAVA. I’m proud to share this planet with women that do this. Huge kudos, it shows how far we’ve come as women.

Nothin’ but love for ya.

Childfree women are also letting you know they shouldn’t have to explain themselves. Ever. Not to you. Not to me. Not to their parents. To friends. To strangers. And they’re absolutely right, they shouldn’t have to.

Childfree women want to go about their days, without scrutiny over their childfree status. Without someone debating their uteruses. (Fine, UTERI, even though I hate the plural version).


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I have solidarity with my non-breeding sisters, and the issues they face, even though I’m a mom. I understand that many childfree women feel misunderstood, mistreated and under-represented. I know they have challenges. There are serious injustices against childfree women.

I’ve been there. I’ve been the single, working gal with no kids. I’ve been the coupled, working-gal with no kids.

As a childfree woman in the workplace, I was often asked to work holidays and longer hours because I didn’t have a family to tend to. I was paid less than parents for the same job, because I didn’t have mouths to feed.

As a childfree young woman in my twenties asking about tubal ligation at the doctor’s office – you would’ve thought I asked how to commit mass murder. I was disregarded and flat out denied. All because I didn’t have a litter and “might regret it later.”

I’ve been the woman told by doctors, “You probably can’t have kids” because of my reproductive condition, Endometriosis. I’ve even been the woman (pre-kids) that has said openly, “I DON’T EVEN WANT KIDS.”

As you can see, that didn’t work out too well for me. Hello 2 kids later! Here’s the obligatory – I love my kids and wouldn’t change it for the world remark. We still cool? Okay, moving on…

I’ve worn many of the hats, heels and dresses that can be worn as a woman. Post kids –I’ve done the stay-at-home gig, the work-at-home gig and the work-outside-the-home job.

In my own tribes and circles, I’ve been mostly understood by my childfree friends. They support me when I gripe about the issues and challenges I face as mother. It’s not all we talk about, because I know better than to talk about snot-nosed brats ad nauseum to any of my friends. There has always been a mutual respect for each other’s lifestyles.

Except for when it comes to this business of who’s busier. Not that this is some type of contest, right? It's not a competition. It's not a battle on the suffer-o-meter.

I’m just saying, if you want to see an eye roll of epic proportions – watch a childfree person tell me they’re busier than a parent. Than me. Better, yet, write about it. Childfree people trying to make their points about why they should be respected through articles and blog posts - I'm totally cool with. Except for when they claim this misguided nonsense, "We're just as busy as parents."

A childfree person cannot possibly purport that they are AS busy as I am, or busier. Nah. No you ain’t. 


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This is not a bash fest. I wouldn’t dream in a million years of bragging about my busyness.

Anyone that grew up with a mother in their lives knows how busy moms are. It’s not some made up, fantastical theory the world concocted.

I’m being perfectly blunt, because I find it utterly ridiculous that a childfree person could compare their existence to a mother without knowing what it’s like to actually be a mother.

There are some experiences and existences in life you just simply cannot grasp fully, and cannot begin to judge or make statements on, unless you are indeed that person. Being a minority is one. Being elderly is another. Being a recovering drug addict is another. Being a rape survivor is another. Suffering from mental illness is another. The list goes on. Being a mother is also one of those instances that unless you are one – you can’t compare your life in any way shape or form to one.

Let me make two exceptions of busyness here. If you’re a childfree caretaker of a loved one, and you do not get paid, you may be as busy or more busy than me or any other mother. I also think anyone suffering from a medical illness that plagues them with exhaustion, is inherently more busy and tired than any other person on this entire planet.

Now let me be clear.

Being a nanny doesn’t qualify you to know the motherhood experience. Being a babysitter doesn’t. Being a teacher doesn’t compare to being a mother. Being an auntie or a godmother doesn’t mean you know what it’s truly like to be an actual mother. Having a pet that you leave at home for long periods of time, doesn’t mean you know what it’s like to be a mom.


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They can’t compare. Do you do mothering and nurturing things for the people you care about in your life? Maybe you do. It’s mothering in a sense. And I don’t want to take that away from you. There are ways to be a faux parent of sorts to your nieces and nephews. Or to your pets.

But, this isn’t being rude. You’re not a mother. And I’m not a cool, hot, skinny twenty-year old. Okay, it just is what it is.

Here’s why parents are indeed busier than childfree people, in case you need an explanation.

It’s rather simple. I am responsible for more humans than myself. All day. Every day. You are responsible for numero uno.

If the thought of that alone doesn’t mentally exhaust you, then you really are clueless.


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If you think worrying about yourself and all of your commitments even to your lover, could possibly be busier than me, or any other mother, you’re delusional.

You’re not only ridiculous to say this, your words are like a slap in the face to mothers and fathers everywhere. Including the ones that raised you.

Every single solitary second I am thinking about the well-being of my children. It is a primal duty. I can’t control it. I can’t turn it off. It is a continuous and RELENTLESS cycle of figurative and literal temperature taking. I am always thinking about my kids’ health, their safety, their emotions. Even their friggin’ fiber intake.

While writing this article, I’ve had hundreds of thoughts about the two other small human beings in my life. Here are some…

Dammit I need to have the kids practice math.
Did I pick up bananas for the kid’s lunches? Milk? 
Who has practice tonight? Who’s going to get kid 1, from point A to point B, and who’s going to pick up the other kid? I’m juggling 4 people’s schedules. FOUR. 
I need to schedule an annual doctor’s check-up for my kid.
I hope the pollen count isn’t too high today, or my kid might need her inhaler. I hope she remembers how I taught her to use it. Or she could DIE.

These are thoughts that reel through my head while I’m working, commuting, exercising, preparing meals, reading a book, etc. All day, every day in some way. And that’s just in 30 seconds. I’m too busy to tell you all of the thoughts I have about my children in 24 hours.

These are not thoughts of an anxiety-ridden person. Or a stereotypical “harried” mom. These are thoughts of a mom at work. A mother commuting to work. A mother exercising, or having after-work cocktails with clients. These are thoughts that a mother has while volunteering or out to dinner with girlfriends. These are the thoughts that hang on the minds of mothers sitting in bed before they sleep at night.

Even my damn sleep is interrupted by thoughts about my children.

I haven’t slept with the same level of ease and wreckless abandon since I had to take care of a kid. I could’ve bitch slapped my pre-kid self for A) complaining about my so-called exhaustion and B) not taking as many naps as possible. 

This is not about invalidating a childfree person's busyness. Or about tearing down the childfree life. Or telling a person without kids that they're not allowed to feel a certain way. It’s not about butting childfree women against mothers.

But, I am telling the childfree women that erroneously believe they are as busy, or busier than parents - that I am 100% positive you are wrong and off your rocker.

The fact that I have to tell you this is like arguing over whether the sky is blue and the earth is flat. It’s bat shit cray cray.

It doesn’t mean I’m better than you. It doesn’t mean I’m holier than you. It doesn’t mean I should get special treatment over you. It just means I am busier than you.




27 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Sorry, your complaints are pretty null and void in comparison to the many, MANY doctors, nurses, (some) military, and many other occupations where there may also be a ton of childfree people who are way busier than you. Also possibly responsible for many more lives, even when they're off the clock.

    Stop with the mommy-martyr shtick. Some people are busier than you, some aren't, regardless of if they've reproduced or not.

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    1. A doctor with a child is busier than a doctor without. This is because a doctor with a child has more responsibilities. A doctor with a child is legally responsible for a child. A doctor without a child is not responsible or legally responsible for a game of golf or a well arranged bathroom cabinet or even very important volunteer work. Although a doctor who is caring for an aging parent, for example, could be every bit as busy as a doctor with a child.

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  3. What you're really saying is that caring for other people is more important than whatever anyone else does with their time. Anyone starting a business, training for a competitive sport spends all their time doing it. You're saying that the way you value your time is right and everyone else's is wrong. Not buying it.

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    1. Definitely neglecting a child is much worse than neglecting a workout. So, yes, caring for a child is more important.

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  4. Pardon my asking, but if you're so incredibly busy...how did you find the time to analyze the behaviors of other people, and then spend time writing an essay regarding said behaviors?

    If you're so incredibly busy, why are the habits and statements and thoughts of other people even remotely on your radar? Unless they immediately impact your well-being or safety?

    Because I *am* incredibly busy, and I have to be honest. I don't have time to do much else than worry about myself and my loved ones. And when I do have free time? The last thing about which I'm preoccupied is 1) how other people choose to live their lives, or 2) playing life comparison politics.

    Because doing either one of those things isn't really the behavior of someone who's busy. It's indicative of someone who has too much time on their hands, and chooses to spend it critiquing others from a place of myopia - instead of broadening their perspectives on life, and supporting and uplifting others in the process.

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    1. She is just thinking and writing. Seems you are occupied with this person's opinion and how she is choosing to live her life. And you are incorrect about this being "indicative of someone who has too much time on their hands". What it means is she is taking a breather to do this...it doesn't mean she doesn't have a million other thing that need to get done. But you could also then say that people who sleep must not be busy.

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  5. Do you honestly believe there are no professions, anywhere, where employees are not responsible for the lives of others?

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  6. i am not following why this rant is even needed. Who cares who is busier? Is an award being given? It is once again a rather pat oneself on the back article. There are folks in this world just as busy as a parent and some are childfree.

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    1. Why does a rant need to be needed? Obviously lots of people care who is busier because at least a few on here seem to be pretty offended, so I guess they care.

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  7. What a dumb article! You should probably delete it.

    Nice try patting yourself on the back, though.

    You did this to yourself, quit complaining & comparing.

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    1. I don't think it is a dumb article at all. But you can pat yourself on the back now for being a fabulous person.

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  8. Oh so busy, eh? Is that why you're spending your precious time on a blog whining about how you have less time than a CF person?! Mmmm hmmm. Also, this is the life you CHOSE for yourself. So why the MARTYR-DOM? Could you afford to quit your job and stay home? If you're not juggling a full time job on top of raising kids, you shouldn't even be writing this blog. You would be too busy to. Also, a little clarification. You were Child-LESS before you had kids. The term CHILDFREE refers to someone who doesn't want kids, never plans to have any AND takes the adequate steps to prevent pregnancy. Do you not realize there are plenty of people out there who work two full time jobs? Or people who work full time and go to school full time? Or people taking care of a sick relative full time in addition to their 8-5? Really, check yourself. You sound petty and ridiculous.

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    1. And there are those people who work 2 full time jobs who also have children, work and school full time with children, etc...yep, they are busier than the CF.

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  9. And? Isn't motherhood supposed to be some amazingly fulfilling great thing that makes you understand real love and selflessness that's sooo worth it and the greatest thing you've ever done? Stop being such a pathetic,defensive martyr who claims something is unbelievably amazing and then does nothing but bitch and moan about how hard you have it. You chose to have kids. Deal with your 'busyness' as though somehow doing more than other people makes you a better person.

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    1. People who haven't had children have no clue. This post totally proves it. It's okay...it is ignorance in the true meaning of the word. Those without children can't help not knowing or getting it...it's impossible.

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    2. Just know I see you and really appreciate what you're doing here. Thank you.

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  10. And? Isn't motherhood supposed to be some amazingly fulfilling great thing that makes you understand real love and selflessness that's sooo worth it and the greatest thing you've ever done? Stop being such a pathetic,defensive martyr who claims something is unbelievably amazing and then does nothing but bitch and moan about how hard you have it. You chose to have kids. Deal with your 'busyness' as though somehow doing more than other people makes you a better person.

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    1. If you ever do have children, you will eat your words. It's okay. I was once ignorant as well. You can't help it.

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  11. It is extraordinarily small-minded, presumptive, and conceited to assume that you are busier than anyone without kids because you have them. It is also entirely incorrect in many cases.

    I'm guessing you don't understand variables and control groups. While it is possibly true that you are busier than someone without kids that works the same job at the same company with the same work ethic and the same extracurricular activities, that's just about the only assumption that could be made with any degree of certainty. I will certainly concede that I would be busier than I am now if I suddenly had a child. But, it wouldn't make me automatically busier than every other Childfree person. That assumption would be idiotic... Which brings us back to you!

    You should take down this article unless you want to maintain a public record of one of your most offensive and ignorant opinions (I'm just assuming. You could be full of dumb ideas for all I know).

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    1. There are TONS of childfree articles and blogs...why not go and tell them the same thing?

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  12. So ironic how all these wannabe journalist moms who claim their lives SO BUSY and SO TIRED somehow find the time to write about every parental move they make and how the childfree are "wrong." But I am guessing the irony is lost on you.

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    1. ...and gosh, they probably sleep and take showers occasionally as well! "Every parental move..." ha ha ha ha. Such an exaggeration. You must be so offended. It'll be okay.

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  13. Hopefully, if you have a son you are raising him to be a better man than his useless father (who is obviously not participating in raising his children). It is sad that your children's father will not step up for his children--and even sadder that you both expect everyone else to carry his weight. The first duty of a good mother is chose a good father for her children. It is irritating to many to see so many men who want their wife's paycheck but don't want to share the parenting responsibilities. Sorry--not my or anyone else's problem.

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  14. "It’s rather simple. I am responsible for more humans than myself. All day. Every day. You are responsible for numero uno."

    That's it in a nutshell. Best short description I've read about the difference to the child-free/child-less and being a parent.

    And in contrast to some of the comments, I don't see any complaining or martyr complex, just a statement of facts that most parents (caregivers of loved ones included)would recognize immediately. Are Doctors busy? Yes, but add a child to their life and they will be busier (depending on how much they outsource care, but even so, the point you make about the mental aspects of "caring" for more than yourself, that has no moment off is well made.)

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  15. I agree. Well said. Yes, there are exceptions, but overall, I agree. Those who are offended must have a lot of time to spend reading, being offended, thinking about how they are offended, and then griping about it.

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