Why I'll Always 'Woman Up' And Choose My Kids First Before My Spouse, My Friends, And My Family Members

Because I'm raising girls. 

Because I remember what it was like being a girl in this world. This culture. Most of my childhood was a string of educational and cultural experiences. Until I was a teenager. And a young adult. And in college. Then my fun experiences became cloaked with darkness too. What I found in my so-called fun times was a violent, rapey world.

Because after my own girls take their art and gymnastics classes, see beautiful ballets that I take them to, and go on lovely beach trips - they'll be on their own in college or young womanhood.

Because after all of the culture I teach them and show them, they will face another part of our culture that's not so pretty or fun to learn about: Violence. Violence against women specifically.

The world we live in is unforgiving to their gender. To their bodies. To their names. Their blood. Their culture. Their ways. Their voice. Their being. Their existence.

Because I AM IT. My husband travels for work a lot. My friends are scattered geographically. My family is distant.

I am their point person.

Because I can't breathe if I handle the emotional needs of another human being. I will literally suffocate. 

Becoming a mother takes every last shred of identity, energy, and mental strength that you have. As your child grows, you slowly get these things back to some degree, but never the same as before. Their emotional needs are the most important thing in my life. What I live for.

Because I give zero fucks. But many for them.

Because where is "the village?" Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't. I see more shaming and recording bad parenting moments on smart phones than actual help and support.

Because the rest of the people in my life are adults. They don't need me to choose them.

Because sometimes it feels like I have to choose between you and my kids. But I will always choose my kids.

I will choose them before asking you how your day was, I will choose them before answering your text, and I will choose them before agreeing to a "pick-your-brain" request. I will choose them before answering your phone call, your email, your Facebook message, your whatever-you-want-from-me requests. I choose my kids.

Because I can't believe this needs an explanation.
And I can't believe I'm giving one. I can't believe I feel guilty for this either sometimes. And ashamed.

Because I need to make that choice as their mother. Because there is strength in this choice and a certainty that I will no longer waver on. Not for you, not for anyone.

Special people will come along in my life, and I hope they understand this choice. I hope the special ones in my life already get it. The choice I need to make. Will always make.

Because I need peace. My kids need love, support, education, and we all need peace. Our lives have no time for drama.

We want the people in our lives to be grounded, whole, self-aware people. I need those types of people around me, and my kids would benefit from seeing those types of people around them.

Because raising a loving home, with loving people, who will go out into this world and love other humans requires a lot of love. Love from me. That only I can give.

Because I chose them from the start, and that decision requires that I choose them, always.

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